I find the articles by Meta Wagner for The Capital Grille delicious – for lack of a better word. Is there a better word than delicious? Probably not. Either way, The Capital Grille was savvy enough to put together a series of articles that centers around dining; without  limiting the discussion to only food and drink. So smart! Wagner includes everything from making a perfect toast to choosing a great wine. I was honored to be a part of a recent piece centered on what else? The Art of Conversation.  Interested in more At the Table articles? You can find them here. Eat, drink, and start small talking.

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“Your families are extremely proud of you.  You can’t imagine the sense of relief they are experiencing.  This would be a most opportune time to ask for money.”  ~Gary Bolding

‘Tis the season of graduation parties. And what a season it is. Graduation parties are a perfect time for food, drink, singing, dancing, and lots of small talk. But it is important to think about what you should say – and not say – to these fresh-faced fabulous beings who will soon be taking the world by storm. Someday. Maybe later. After summer break.

Below are a few suggestions:

Don’t Say:           “Do you have a job yet?”

Do Say:                 “What are your plans for the next few months?”

Don’t Say:           “Do you have a lot of school debt?”

Do Say:                 “How do you feel about this next chapter in life?”

Don’t Say:           “You look tired/older/heavier/nervous/sad/a little drunk.”

Do Say:                 “I love seeing you today and celebrating this milestone!”

Don’t Say:           “What are you going to do with a degree in that?”

Do Say:                 “What will you miss most about school?”

Don’t Say:           “You should go to graduate school/be a doctor/live with your parents/not live with your
                              parents/take a vacation/take the summer off/take a year off/go find yourself.”

Do Say:                 “Congratulations.”

The post And Here’s To You, Mrs. Robinson…What to Say (And Not Say) to the Graduate appeared first on DebraFine.com.

National Etiquette Week is almost over! Pretty soon we can go back to our regularly scheduled rude, offensive behavior.

I am kidding – of course. I believe that the bulk of the world has the best intentions when it comes to being polite. But even the best intentions get off course now and again.  What happens when someone IS being rude, but they truly have no idea of their transgression? We’ve all encountered loud cell-phone-talkers, tactless-joke-tellers, inappropriate-question-askers, and over-stayers. The conversation-monopolizer falls in with this group, too. So nice, but so long winded! Below is a question recently asked of me; and I thought it would be rude not to share it with you.

Dear Debra:

I play tennis with a lovely woman, and while I wouldn’t call us best friends, we certainly are happy acquaintances. I really do enjoy her company. The only problem is that I can never extricate myself from her – on or off the court. At the end of our matches, she tends to monopolize conversation to the point that I cannot even insert a polite, “Gotta  run.” When I see her out and about, like at our neighborhood gatherings, the gym, school functions, she will not leave me alone! Even when I clearly appear occupied (reading my Kindle, listening to my iPod, etc); she bombards me and does not stop talking.  It’s gotten to the point that I try to avoid her, which makes me feel awful because I actually do like her – I just don’t like so much of her. How to I break away without breaking a friendship?

 Sincerely, Tennis Turmoil

Dear Tennis Turmoil:

I applaud you for being kind enough to realize that this woman clearly means no harm, and because of that, you want to avoid causing her any unnecessary hurt. And good for you for trying to use subtle physical cues to give her the sign that you are not in the small talk mood. But subtly is not working here. By trying to avoid her, you are only creating a situation that will end poorly for both of you. I am guessing she has no idea that she monopolizes the conversation; and if you simply try the duck-and-dash method, you will not only damage her ego, but your seemingly favorable relationship as well.

Honesty (as usual) is the best policy. In my book, The Fine Art of Small Talk, I dedicate an entire chapter to this very topic. Here are a few one-liners to help you achieve a grand slam without once having to use your backhand.

• “So good to see you! I only have small window of time to get this workout in, so I am going to keep reading/listening to my iPod/pole jumping.”
• “What a great match. I’m heading out, but I look forward to next week’s tourney.”
• “I am going to circulate and meet some of the new neighbors – I’ll see you back at the buffet in a bit.”
• “I need to catch up with Jared’s professor, so please excuse me while I search him out.”

The key is to be authentic, do what you say you are going to do, and do not make false excuses. When it comes to conversational clout, the ball will be in your court.

The post How to Find A Small Talk Escape Route appeared first on DebraFine.com.

The famous Dr. Joyce Brothers recently passed away, and her death caused me to ask myself, “How would Dr. Joyce Brothers conduct herself at a funeral?” She was, after all, one of the leaders in savvy speak.

Death is a part of life, but attending funerals can be tough even for the most gifted small talkers. Typically, there is an abundance of grief and emotion at a memorial service, making conversation more difficult but even more necessary. One of the worst things to do at a funeral or memorial service is to keep quiet. So whether it is the funeral of a business acquaintance, the services honoring a family friend,  or even a celebration of life for the ”mother of mass-media psychology” herself, remember these tips to avoid tongue tie:

DO say:

“I’m so sorry for your loss.”  –  This is the standard sentence for good reason; the statement is simple, sincere, and empathetic.

“I don’t know what to say.”  – It’s the truth, and it’s okay to say so.

“My thoughts are with you and your family and friends.”  – Remember that the loss of another human being has  a ripple effect, touching many lives. By saying this, you show you understand how far-reaching this person’s life was and continues to be.

“I will call you (date) to check in, if that’s okay with you.” –  Say it, mean it and do it. Planning funerals and memorials is exhausting, time-consuming, and engulfing. But oftentimes, it’s the quiet days and weeks after a loved one has died that prove the most difficult for the family. Mark your calendar to reach out periodically.

“I feel so lucky to have known (name) – he was such a good friend/partner/bowler/chef/father.” – Sharing specific memories and stories is such a kind and generous gesture.

Do NOT say:

“What happened?”

“How did he die?”

“Who found him?”

“Did he have a will?”

“You poor thing, you look awful.”

“How are you?”

“Where did you buy your dress?”

And the number one thing to never, ever, not in one million trillion years to say at a funeral is:

“I know how you feel.” You don’t, you won’t, you can’t. Death affects each of us in a different way and while your experience with the death of a loved one may have been – may still be – devastating, the “I know how you feel” statement should not be in your repertoire.

Finally, don’t forget that the smallest niceties can make such a difference. Send a card, make a call, schedule a visit or bring by a meal. Bottom line, remember to be a friend and the right words will come when you need them most. I am guessing Dr. Brother’s would approve.

The post How To Get Through Small Talk at A Funeral Without Wanting to Die appeared first on DebraFine.com.

Dear Debra:

I have read your book “The Fine Art of Small Talk” and have been privy to two of your programs. I’ve learned a lot, especially the importance of using someone’s name when conversing.

I recently spent a lovely ten minutes on the phone with a gentleman named Kevin. I was in the market for new floors and I called his company for a quote. Kevin and I talked about all the pertinent details including cost, time frame, expectations, and project management.

At the end of the call, I said, “Kevin, thank you so much for your time. Will you be in the showroom when I arrive later this afternoon?” Kevin said, “I will be here. Just ask the front desk for Jacob.”

Debra! I called him by the wrong name throughout the entire phone conversation! How embarrassing! Here I thought Kevin and I were forming a quasi friendship; so-called cohorts in my home renovation. I stumbled over my apology and quickly hung up. What should I have done?  From,  Tongue Tied in Tulsa

The post Hi, My Name Is ? appeared first on DebraFine.com.

I grew up smack in between the era of never leaving the house without lipstick and Gloria Steinem. I liked being in the middle. It was – and is – a good place to be because there are people on both sides all the time so I am never lonely. It taught me that everyone has their own way of doing things, and to give everyone the benefit of the doubt.

So when President Obama said of California Attorney General Kamala Harris, “She’s brilliant and she’s dedicated…She’s tough. She also happens to be, by far, the best-looking attorney general … It’s true! C’mon.” I, for one, was not offended. In fact, I may have been just a smidge jealous. If, for example, I was about to take the stage to offer a keynote address to Congress (yes, this is a hint, Mr. President), I wouldn’t be the least bit upset if the leader of the free world tossed in a little “best-looking keynote EVER” (yes, this is a hint, Mr. President) during my introduction. In fact, I’d be thrilled. And then I would tell all of my friends. And my husband. And then a few well-chosen strangers. But that’s me.

Are we too politically correct these days? The president later apologized to Harris, and all is well. What many don’t know is that President Obama and Harris have been long-time friends, making the banter even more understandable.

The bottom line: know your audience and choose your words well. But don’t let overzealous political correctness get in the way of allowing your true personality and wit to shine through. What would life be without a few sincere compliments and a bit of humor? Pretty ugly, don’t you think?

The post Hey Good Lookin’ appeared first on DebraFine.com.

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Recently, SendGrid employee Adria Richards took to Twitter to point out two fellow conference attendees who offended her by using tech phrases in an inappropriate manner. She then blogged about the issue. Because of that, her site was attacked. Then hacked.  Richards was fired, and rumor has it that at least one of the men accused of the off-color comments was also fired. Messy doesn’t even do this debacle justice.

And this is why I am a believer in The Fine Art of Small Talk people!!!  While hindsight is, of course, crystal clear, I am willing to bet that if Richards had spoken directly to the offenders or the conference organizers, this issue would have been resolved quickly and much more quietly. Posting a photo on Twitter or dropping a comment on Facebook takes a matter of seconds, but the repercussions last much, much longer. Taking a minute to think before tweeting or posting or speaking is usually a good idea. And with that, may the force be with you.

The post Can Social Media Be Anti-Social? appeared first on DebraFine.com.

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Quiet down!

Listen!

I’ve spent many years teaching folks how to make small talk, but now I am teaching the masses how to BE QUIET.

For many, the sound of one’s own voice is simply addictive. Do you find yourself getting off the elevator at the wrong floor because you cannot stop talking ?  Have you been on the receiving end of nasty stares while (supposedly) watching a movie? Is going to a library an activity you avoid because the thought of staying quiet gives you hives?   Then this is for you. Overcome your fear of peace and quiet and try these simple steps:

• Take a full breath of air into your lungs
• Talk without food in your mouth
• Tell a story that actually has a beginning and an end
• Give “yes” and “no” answers
• Engage in conversation without people fleeing your presence
• Try listening to what other’s have to say
• Keep private information to yourself including: your financial situation, your sister’s weight, your intimate thoughts on politics and the details of your recent stomach flu

Debra Fine is a best selling author and internationally recognized keynote speaker who has had her own struggles with keeping a lid on it.

Testimonial: “At first the muzzle hurt but she helped me get used to it!” – Guest at a recent Shutting Up Workshop

Testimonial: “It worked for me.”  – Marcel Marceau, famous mime

PS - Happy April Fool’s Day – Keep Talking

The post Silence is Golden appeared first on DebraFine.com.