Tag Archives: what not to say to the graduate
Posted on Monday, February 23rd, 2015
The human heart is a truly amazing mechanism; so hard working and tough under pressure, but oh so easily damaged.
We all have heartbreaks (I can’t even discuss my 7th grade boyfriend saga. A tragedy of epic proportions). Disappointments and suffering and grief and anguish are all part of life. Hooray for us!
We have all heard bad news and immediately gone to that big Rolodex in our head searching, desperately, for the right thing to say. Or we’ve skipped the search and blurted out something clichéd and trite before quickly excusing ourselves to privately negotiate our own foot into our mouth. Or — the worst crime of all — we’ve been faced with bad news and said absolutely nothing.
Neil Rosenthal writes a stellar column in The Denver Post appropriately titled “Relationships.” His January 29th piece highlights the importance of an empathetic response. As Rosenthal points out, a thoughtful response is certainly needed in times of tragedy, but even the day-to-day frustrations that affect us all would benefit from a kind and compassionate acknowledgement.
When dealing with a loss, phrases like: Time heals all wounds or It was his time to go are common. And sort of a cop out. Why? Because they don’t really mean anything to the person who is suffering. They are just words. Words that can leave the listener feeling worse than when they started. Because only words that “honor your feelings of loss and sorrow,” writes Rosenthal, truly honors the emotions around an issue that causes turmoil.
Rosenthal, referencing How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It
written by Pat Love (not kidding) and Steven Stosny, makes a case for how important it is to “step into the puddle” with others. Stepping into the puddle means offering our “heartfelt presence, caring concern and participation” when others need it most. And even when they don’t. By employing the puddle technique to everyday life, communication and connection are bound to improve.
So, how exactly does one ‘step into the puddle’ without getting drenched? By offering statements with a little more meat and a lot less fluff — like this:
When your spouse walks in after a long day of work, it’s temping to pull out the eye roll or the Ha! You think YOUR day was long, well let me just tell you about MY day… instead try saying:
I am so sorry about your day and I am so glad to have you home safe and sound.
When someone is dealing with a death, resist the He’s in a better place or Call me if you need anything and try This must be really difficult; I can’t imagine what it feels like to lose a sibling. Your brother was one of the funniest men I’ve ever met — I still laugh at the fun we had skiing in Vail. How are you handling everything?
Whatever the situation — death, job loss, hard day at work, tough day at home with children or even the tragedy of a 7th grade break-up, by acknowledging, truly, the heartache of others, we can make a big impact and — just maybe — lessen the blow.
This blog was originally posted on The Huffington Post.
Posted on Tuesday, May 20th, 2014
Teens may need your help with the help wanted signs.
It was Sly and The Family Stone who sang about “hot fun in the summertime,” but they failed to mention the summer job. Spending the summer in an itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikini sounds lovely, but without a summer job, we’re talking wipeout.
While most of us over the age of 22 (I am just slightly over at this point – slightly) don’t have the benefit of a summer break, many teens and recent grads are skidding toward the end of school and the beginning of summer and the need (and hopefully want) of a summer job.
I’ve read articles knocking the teen sector for their lack of willingness to find a summer gig; but every young person I’ve encountered wants a summer job because they want money. The two sort of go hand-in-hand, yes?
So let’s just assume that the young people in your world are actively interested in working. Now the question is: how to help?
Make sure your teen is prepared for the application process; you can do this by creating a simple document that includes all the essentials like:
• their contact info
• previous work experience
• a list of references
• their education / school performance, and future plans for education (“Applying for college in Fall 2015” for example)
Being prepared with this information allows your teen to apply for jobs when out and about, making the process less daunting and more immediate.
If your child is a bit older, this is the time to talk about resumes. Preparing a resume offers the opportunity to get comfortable with the process early on and results in a concrete document to hand to potential employers. Even if he isn’t asked to present a resume when applying, going through the exercise of making a résumé isn’t a waste of time. The résumé will include all the information needed to complete an application, so he can bring it along for reference. Plus, potential employers will likely be impressed by a prepared teen.
Practice makes perfect. Well, maybe not perfect, but better. Do some role-playing with your teen (try to ignore the louds sighs and eye rolls) by running through some of the following:
• basic introductions
• hand shake
• an open and engaging smile
• direct eye contact
Your teen may balk at this exercise, but dangle the all-powerful dollar in front of them. Life costs LOTS of money – clothes, movies, food, drink, gas, car insurance, travel and other sordid entertainment is not free. Plus, having a summer job looks great on a college application.
Elizabeth Heaton, a college admissions consultant, says: “I loved paying jobs when I saw them on applications.” According to Heaton, work experience proves that students can show up on time, be responsible, do a job they’re hired to do, and deal with adults they aren’t related to. And since many unpaid internships or volunteer opportunities are only a few days a week, many teens can balance that with a paid job.
• Resist the urge to find a job for your teen – they will only resent you for it and the eye rolling could become a serious medical condition. Still, mentioning that you heard of a summer job in conversation doesn’t hurt.
• Encourage your child to apply to jobs in person if possible. Even if the potential employer insists on online applications, putting a face with an email attachment can’t hurt. Something as simple as: “Hi – I’m John. I recently applied for a summer job online but I was in the store and thought I’d introduce myself” goes a long way.
Remind your teen to tell everyone he is looking for a job: at the grocery store, library, restaurants, car wash, neighbors, and friends are all potential leads. A school counselor is also a great resource.
And don’t forget online searches — sites like teen4hire, Facebook, snagajob and other social media sites offer lots of ideas.
I’m signing my new book: Beyond Texting: The Fine Art of Face-to-Face Communication for Teenagers at The Tattered Cover on May 21. Join me!
Posted on Friday, May 2nd, 2014
My recent book, Beyond Texting: The Fine Art of Face-to-Face Communication for Teenagers is the result of several things: I was once a teenager, I had children who later became teenagers and I married a man who had children who later became teenagers.
In a nutshell: The world is full of teenagers.
Teaching the younger generation the finer points of interpersonal skills is key to their long-term success. No matter how advanced technology becomes, landing a scholarship, job interview or fiancé will still require some form of verbal communication.
In a recent post, there were tips on how to help your teenager start a conversation — now the trick is to keep it going. Conversations for teens and adults can take a turn and what was an engaging exchange becomes an excruciating effort. Why? Because we get excited or nervous. It’s normal. It’s also avoidable. Here are some simple steps to share with your teen:
Questions are a great way to get to know the other party, but don’t get carried away:
Jack:How was the party?
Jack: Who was there?
Jill: Josh and Tricia.
Jack: Who else?
Jill: Um, some guys from the track team.
Jack: Was Kyle there?
Jill: I didn’t see him.
Jack: Who’d you go with?
Wow. At this point, Jill is looking for an escape route because she’s feeling cornered and peppered with questions. When questions continually receive short answers, switch from interrogation to sharing:
Jack: Wish I could have made it. I was at the movies last night. Have you seen…?
Now there is another topic on the table, allowing Jack and Jill to move in new directions.
Don’t Get Too Personal
Asking someone about their family, their job, their friends — it all sounds innocent enough. But getting too personal can backfire. Always give the other party an exit strategy when delving into personal information:
Jack: How’s work?
Jill: Great — I love it there.
Jack: I’ve been thinking about applying but I am concerned about the pay scale. I don’t know if you feel open to sharing, but I’m wondering if they pay more than minimum wage?
Now Jill can either answer with Yes, they pay more than minimum wage or Yes, I make $20 an hour or I don’t like to talk about money. Jill’s been given an escape hatch.
One-upping is such a downer. Resist the temptation to be “Mr. Been There Done That.” If someone is sharing a story with you, be a good listener instead of anxiously awaiting your chance to tell your bigger, better story.
This happens so often, it’s frightening. I actually think adults do this more often than teens. Let your conversation partner finish his or her thought. You will get your chance to speak; if you don’t, there’s always next time.
Don’t Hog The Spotlight
Long stories are just long. Your friends will either start glazing over or start slowly backing away. Pass the conversational ball often and remember that a play-by-play of something interesting to you is not interesting to all.
Jill: Yeah — the latest episode was SO funny. The ending was the best. I won’t ruin it for you though, in case you get a chance to watch. What did you do last night?
Don’t Give Unsolicited Advice
I had a friend like this growing up — she was always suggesting ways I could improve myself, whether it was changing my clothes, my hair or my boyfriend. It didn’t feel helpful, though — it felt like a magnifying glass on her perception of my faults. The friendship didn’t last, but the lesson did: if someone wants your advice, they will ask for it. If not, your job is to be a friend, not a parent.
Gossip is an easy trap to fall into, so beware. What starts as a friendly conversation can lead to trash talk. If you are in a group of gossipers, say, “Oh — yikes! I don’t gossip about anyone — I’m too afraid it will come back to get me!” This often stops people in their tracks, mostly because they didn’t realize they were gossiping in the first place. If that doesn’t do it, move away. Gossiping has a way of haunting you forever.
Be Careful of Foot-In-Mouth Disease
We’ve all done it; we’ve all unintentionally said something that we shouldn’t have said. The best way to get out of this situation is to avoid it entirely. Do not ask personal questions unless you already know the answer: “How come your dad isn’t ever home?” or “Why does your little brother scream like that?” or “How come you only have one car?” can lead to really awkward results. If you do, in fact, stick your foot in your mouth, sincerely apologize, change the topic, and learn from your mistake.
Learning from mistakes is what being a teenager is all about. Trust me — been there, done that, got the t-shirt.
Posted on Friday, March 28th, 2014
Technology is a such a blessing… Until it becomes a curse. Or a crutch. Maybe it’s all three, actually, when you really stop to think about it. After all, it’s lovely to text a friend, letting her know you are running late for a get-together but being constantly tethered to a device and the never-ending beeping and ringing can be exhausting. Blessing vs. curse.
But it’s the crutch part that resonated with me to such a level that I wrote my third book, Beyond Texting: The Fine Art of Face-to-Face Communication for Teenagers. I didn’t go willingly, as they say.
The book was a result of being asked by my publishers, friends, and colleagues to please write a book for the younger generation. I didn’t want to do it. I texted and emailed and FaceTimed my publisher over and over again refusing. But by then my brain had been tuned into the teenagers and 20-somethings I encountered everywhere I went, and after watching so many of them, including my own, relying on their devices to make it in the world, I relented.
Seeing teenagers constantly head down, earbuds in and hunched over their smartphones really made a mark on me. I first considered going to chiropractic school, knowing that the future generation is going to have loads of neck problems (for all of you entrepreneurs out there, may I suggest considering this line of work because surely there is money to be made) but I am no spring chicken, and small talk is my gig.
So, the book and the blogs and the talks begin now. Not to blow my own horn, but I am basically singlehandedly saving the world. I know, I know — it’s a big job. But without face-to-face communication skills, the next generation will be unable to make conversation, ask for a date, propose to a mate and, thus, create the next generation. The entire human race could die off if we don’t start teaching our teens how to communicate! I don’t know about you, but I’d like some grandchildren one day. And someone to serve me tapioca in the home — when and if the time comes.
How do you teach your teen the proper way to build relationships and interact with others? While my book offers an in-depth approach, these three tips will help you both get started:
It’s normal to feel nervous and overwhelmed when entering an unfamiliar situation. Take a deep breath and relax. Can’t? Well, fake it if you can, and remind yourself that everybody else is feeling the same way. Put away your phone and look at others in the eye, smile and extend a firm handshake. It will feel awkward at first, and you will be itching to reach for your device as a way to curb your panic, but force yourself to engage on a human level because it gets easier. I promise. By appearing energetic, interested, engaged and friendly, people will be drawn to you, making the vibe in the room even more inviting and comfortable for you and others.
Break the Ice:
Initiating a conversation with a stranger is a gift that keeps on giving — to both you and the your conversation partner. Even after all these years of small talk, I always enter a room with at least three topics to talk about. Always. So, here are some conversation starters that work:
• How’d you do on the test? The essay part was the toughest for me!
• Have you met the new science teacher?
• Biology is killing me — can we study together?
• I was behind you at the assembly this morning. What did you think about the presentation?
• I love your (band) shirt. Did you know they are playing here this summer?
There is no ‘perfect’ conversation starter, but there is always an ‘A’ for effort, so saying hello first will earn you credit. Sure, you’re going to get rejected sometimes and that’s life. But by trying, and by being kind and genuine, you have a better shot of starting a meaningful exchange.
Introduce (and then Re-Introduce) Yourself:
This is so basic – but so often overlooked! Sometimes you’ve managed to actually start and carry on a great conversation and you walk away realizing that you have no idea what someone’s name is and they have no idea what yours is! Give someone the gift of your name, even if you think they may know you already:
John (to a professor): I was so happy with the B on the final
Professor: Yes, good work.
John: I’m John Smith – I am in your Tuesday/Thursday class and am registering for your course next semester.
Professor: Great, John. I’ll look forward to seeing you in class.
John: Thanks Professor Green; have a good summer.
John re-introduced himself to his professor and established a connection. Next semester, if John needs some additional help or is looking for a reference, he’s already set himself apart from the other hundreds of students Professor Green sees every week. One small exchange can result in big things.
When I look back on my teen years, I shudder at the memories. My hands shook during presentations. My mouth went dry when a boy talked to me. My heart pounded when I walked into a party alone. The tips I shared here — and the others in my book — are not earth-shattering but oh so necessary. Social media may be killing all of of our social skills. But by teaching our teens the basics, and helping them embrace face-to-face communication, we are saving the world! And we have a greater chance of having successful, self-supporting adult children! And grandchildren! And tapioca!
Posted on Tuesday, May 21st, 2013
“Your families are extremely proud of you. You can’t imagine the sense of relief they are experiencing. This would be a most opportune time to ask for money.” ~Gary Bolding
‘Tis the season of graduation parties. And what a season it is. Graduation parties are a perfect time for food, drink, singing, dancing, and lots of small talk. But it is important to think about what you should say – and not say – to these fresh-faced fabulous beings who will soon be taking the world by storm. Someday. Maybe later. After summer break.
Below are a few suggestions:
Don’t Say: “Do you have a job yet?”
Do Say: “What are your plans for the next few months?”
Don’t Say: “Do you have a lot of school debt?”
Do Say: “How do you feel about this next chapter in life?”
Don’t Say: “You look tired/older/heavier/nervous/sad/a little drunk.”
Do Say: “I love seeing you today and celebrating this milestone!”
Don’t Say: “What are you going to do with a degree in that?”
Do Say: “What will you miss most about school?”
Don’t Say: “You should go to graduate school/be a doctor/live with your parents/not live with your
parents/take a vacation/take the summer off/take a year off/go find yourself.”
Do Say: “Congratulations.”