I have a well-loved dog-eared copy of a book by famed etiquette author Letitia Baldrige. Baldrige was the epitome of manners and class who wrote twenty books, was known as the ‘Doyenne of Decorum’ and is most famous for serving as social secretary to Jacqueline Kennedy. Her book New Manners For the ’90s, one of my favorites, still holds up to many of today’s issues; chapters such as “The Right Thing to Do At Every Kind of Meal” and “Being An Interesting Conversationalist” make my Small Talk heart go pitter patter.
But while some things remain unchanged – like the importance of mailing thank you notes – some things have changed like, oh, all of technology. The invention of the smartphone in and of itself has changed the trajectory of life as we know it and with that the lack of and desperate need for manners is evident.
So when I received Danielle LaPorte’s list in my inbox, I knew I had to share it. Clearly LaPorte doesn’t mince words – one of her (many) attractive qualities. I’m sharing with you a recent post. If you don’t follow LaPorte on social media, I recommend you do. She’s insightful and funny and smart and strong. Kind of like Letitia Baldridge minus the pearls and pumps.
GOOD MANNERS and some wuv. We could all use more of them.
There are still some basic good manners that should prevail no matter our generation, station, or affiliation. Here’s what it might mean to be classy, kind, and considerate whenever you are able (and we are almost always able):
Big Moments deserve a call. When someone texts to tell you they are pregnant, not pregnant, breaking up, getting engaged, got the job, lost the job, saw aliens in the sky… CALL THEM —even if you know they’re going to let it go to voicemail.
Bring something when you show up. A small bar of dark chocolate. A few sticks of incense rolled in a piece of paper with a message written on it. A book you read that you’re willing to loan or give. A postcard you had pinned up forever. Small beauty is a big gift.
Re: Customer service. It’s often well meaning, but saying “No problem” when the customer thanks you is not a terrific response. Because it shouldn’t ever be a problem, you’re in the position of service. Powerful replies: You’re very welcome. My pleasure. I’m happy I could help.
I’ve heard that spitting on the sidewalk is illegal in the Netherlands. They’re on to something.
If you REALLY want to meet up with someone, don’t just say, “Let’s get together soon” and pause, waiting for them to bite or blow you off. If you REALLY want to get together (in person or on the phone) then just make it happen: Suggest a date, commit to calling them in a few weeks to arrange, make it happen. Otherwise… you probably don’t REALLY want to get together.
How can I say this lovingly? Please shut the fuck up on your cell phone. We can hear your conversation. And we don’t want to, and you probably don’t want us to either. You may think it’s OK because you think you’re talking at the same volume as you would be if you had your conversation person sitting right there with you. But you’re louder and it’s weird. Take the call when you’re not surrounded by other people, hide under your coat, find a corner, or just… don’t.
On a related note: Your earbuds. We can hear your really loud music and podcasts. And we don’t want to. (Also, ear cells that get fried by excessively loud noise do not regenerate. You could go deaf. Might be karma.)
If you’re meeting someone at their house or office, especially if it’s one-on-one, do not be early.
Don’t film people without their permission to be filmed.
Pregnant women don’t want to have their bellies touched, unless they say so. Also, most moms of babies don’t want you to touch their baby. They act nice about it, but they’re cringing inside re: your germs and vibes.
When someone is getting divorced and has children, they very likely do not need to be reminded that, “the children are what’s most important.” They are aware. It’s probably why they stayed longer than they should in the marriage. It’s probably one of the most heartbreaking factors of the divorce. They know. No need to mention it.
Push your chair back in when you leave.
Leave your phone off the restaurant table. I’m really over people who check their phone in between every micro pause. Like, the forty five seconds that I’m “distracted” by giving the waiter my order should not be treated as my absence and your text time. I’m with you. Right there. You asked me for dinner. Because we adore each other. So let’s be adoring.
Thank people for the great service. Love on them. I’m so grateful. Thank you for your good care. Thanks for making this easy. Thanks for understanding.
Always help people with small kids. They are superheroes.
Never be too busy to bring food to a sick friend.
At the end of the day, most etiquette questions can be answered with basic common sense. Pearls and pumps may not be the trend these days, but good manners never go out of style.
Debra Fine was once a shy and tongue-tied engineer and is a leading internationally recognized woman keynote speaker, trainer, communication expert and bestselling author. This is proof that ANYONE can learn how to small talk. Really. Even you. Fine established The Fine Art of Small Talk to teach others how to make conversation, build rapport, mingle and grow relationships at business networking events, conventions, association meetings, trade shows, dinner with people you don’t really like and other various functions you may be forced to attend. Debra lives in Denver with her family.